Outtakes

Villain Diaries: The Cook

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There’s a lot of recipes for bar-b-que, but you’re gonna wanna eat mine. I promise! Good old Texas BBQ the way Grandpa taught me. There was nobody better’n ol’ Grandpa. Did it the old fashioned way. He even kilt the meat. Give it a respectable killing too, not like they do nowadays.

Now, I can’t take no pleasure in killing. Don’t have the heart for it. The suffering, now, that I don’t mind.

And I know something about feeding a family on a budget. I got two sons to feed. Hungry fellas. Sometimes they need some discipline. I have to give ‘em the stick! But most days, my barbeque quiets ‘em down. They even like to help, dumb as they are.

Even Grandpa still likes a taste! He’ll suck a bone clean. There’s nothing like a family dinner. And my bbq recipe, why, it won’t break the bank. 

Start with the meat. Any kind will do, really, so long as you give it a good killing. And you use all the parts. You can even boil the head for head cheese. You can even find use for the skin, the bones. My boys, they’re artistic like. But me, I stick to what I know: barbeque.

I like it smoked. Saves on electricity. The cost of electricity is enough to drive a man out of business! So, you need a good smoke stack and some hooks. Steel hooks, any kind of hook big enough to hold the meat. Then a good fire, let it hang there and cook in its juices. That’s what makes it tender, a good old fashioned hooking! 

And the sauce, well, the sauce, that’s just odds and ends, whatever’s handy. It’s the meat that counts. Good piece of meat, fresh, killed proper and smoked to bring out its flavor. Nothing, I mean nothing, beats some good old fashioned Texas barbeque.

*by Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

I Must (Un)Break You

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Dolph: Unbreakable

by Daniel Baldwin

Before the age of 27, Dolph Lundgren was an international karate champion, had a master’s degree in chemical engineering, was set to go MIT on a Fullbright Scholarship for his doctorate, and was both the bodyguard and boyfriend of singer/model/actress Grace Jones. In other words, he had already had a wildly successful and varied life by that point. The fact that he also became an international movie star after all that is just icing on the cake.

Dolph: Unbreakable covers all of the important mile-markers in Lundgren’s life. His early years in Sweden. His time abroad as a college student/martial artist. And then, yes, his crazy ride through the Hollywood system as a bodyguard turned action star turned director. Many of your favorite Dolph movies get some play here, but one should not sit down with this film expecting it to be an expose on his action movies.

Sure, the likes of Rocky IV, Masters of the Universe, The Punisher, Universal Soldier, The Expendables, Creed II, and many more are all brought up, but only ever in relation to where Dolph was at in his life and in his head as they occurred. This is a documentary about the man, not the movie star. Instead, we are given a story about an incredibly intelligent and athletically-gifted child who has endured an unending barrage of life’s pains and pleasures across decades, growing into a man who is grateful to still be around in this world.

Childhood abuse, academic success, athletic championship, failed relationships, blockbuster stardom, embarrassing paycheck gigs, substance abuse, severe kidney cancer, etc. All of it is covered in a manner more open and personal than one tends to find in similar documentaries. Our subject is unafraid to talk about his failures as much as he does his successes. You will see Dolph break stones and Rocky Balboa, but you’ll also see him break down crying as well.

If there’s a fault with this film, it’s only in that it isn’t longer. At 74 minutes, the film leaves a few areas of Lundgren’s life that could have been covered a bit more deeply. As it stands, it’s still an engaging and emotional piece of work. One that will no doubt be of interest to Dolph’s fans, as well as perhaps others who have casually enjoyed his work throughout the decades.

Dolph: Unbreakable is an intimate portrait of a man who has lived a very remarkable life full of extreme highs and extreme lows, and it’s a pretty good portrait at that.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: S Mart

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*by Hope Madden. Voiceover by Riley Wolfington. Clip production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Max Cady

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BOAT TOURS! CAPE FEAR RIVER AND SURROUNDING TRIBUTARIES! CALL CAPTAIN MAX CADY!

North Carolina. This really is the land of the free. 

You know what you are? Free as a bird. Free to go wherever, whenever. But you can’t escape your demons just by leavin’ home. That much freedom could get a fella into trouble. Without the right guide, I mean. 

Do you want a lake tour guide who’s less than human? My mission is to be more than human. 

And just let me get a gander at the rest of your family. I can even get in touch with my feminine side, if that’s what it takes. I got something planned for your wife and kid that they ain’t never gon’ forget. 

I’ll show you things on the Cape Fear river you never in your wildest dreams imagined. I am offering you something hot. I won’t force you to make a commitment. But you could say I’m here to save you. Save you money and frustration on a cut rate boat captain, that is. 

Contact Captain Max Cady.

I’ll see ya around, counselor.

*By Hope Madden. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

The Screening Room

Screening Room: Digger, Verity, Beware Boiúna & More

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Hope & George review this week’s new releases: Digger, Verity, Beware Boiúna, The Last First: Winter K2, Ghost in the Cell, Deathgasm 2: Goremageddon, Her Will Be Done, Infirmary, The Nice Ones, and The History of Concrete.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Guy Woodhouse

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AITA?

Listen, listen. I’m not the villain here. All right? 

I’m an actor. There’s this kooky older couple in the building where I live. They said they could help me. Just bring me a tie, they said. Just bring them a tie that belonged to the one guy who kept getting all my parts. 

You have no idea how competitive this industry is. And these people, they can help. They really can. One necktie, and suddenly I’m the golden boy. I didn’t do anything to him. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t even know what they were going to do. Hell, I don’t know what they did do or how they did it, but…and I do feel bad for the guy! But am I going to pass up my big break?

And now they need a little more. The necktie, that was really to prove a point. To show me what they could do. 

And Rosemary—my wife—deserves better than what we had. So, yes, I took some liberties. But who did it hurt, really? She wasn’t supposed to remember any of it. That’s what they told me! She wouldn’t remember anything. She’d just be pregnant – sure, a little sicker than a regular pregnancy, but a lot of women are sick while they’re pregnant. And then, it would be like she had miscarried. Sad, sure, but she’d get over it and we’d try again. Begin our own family. A family that could live the way we wanted to live, deserved to live.

It wasn’t easy for me, either, you know. Seeing my wife with that – thing. That beast. I had to watch that. But my sacrifice—you know—it was for us. I did it for us. 

And what those people do, well, that’s their business. To each his own. Live and let live, right? They’re not so bad, really. I kind of feel sorry for them. Rosemary is always getting on me to be nicer to people. That’s all I was doing. 

I’m not the villain.

*by Hope Madden. Voiceover and audio production by George Wolf. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

New In Theaters

Solid Choice

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The History of Concrete

by Brandon Thomas

The mundane is probably the last thing that comes to mind when I think of the world of documentaries. Documentaries are meant to be serious business that deals with serious subject matter. Well, that and the slew of celebrity-focused films being released these days. It’s a balance, I guess.

Maybe that’s what makes John Wilson’s (HBO’s How to With John Wilson) The History of Concrete so fresh and appealing. There’s not an ounce of self-seriousness in Wilson’s film, yet by the time the end credits begin to roll, you still feel like you got a peek into what drives him, what he finds beautiful, and what frightens him about our changing world. 

As someone who’d never seen an episode of Wilson’s previous work, the bait-and-switch of the film’s title is a bit of a delightful surprise. Yes, The History of Concrete isn’t really about the history of concrete. Concrete is ever-present in the film’s periphery, but the real meat comes from Wilson’s side quests, if you will. The runners who run the same lap around an NYC block for 52 days, a concrete salesman who moonlights as an actor (or is that the other way around?), and the oldest concrete road in America. These are just a few of the detours Wilson takes, and they are certainly not the strangest. 

It might sound like I’m giving Wilson too much credit for knowing exactly what this film would be about and how he was going to approach it. Fortunately, the film itself doesn’t even do this. From a long prologue where Wilson attends a seminar on writing a Hallmark movie, to various Zoom calls where the filmmaker struggles to even describe the film he wants to make to potential investors, the “fly by the seat of your pants” aspect of the first third of the film is thrilling and ultimately a necessary part of Wilson’s organic approach.

In a world where even documentaries are playing it safe, The History of Concrete is a fantastic cinematic breath of fresh air.

Uncategorized

Bless Your Heart

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The Nice Ones

by Rachel Willis

Following a recent psychiatric stay, Kate (Joelle Rae) isn’t very excited to reconnect with her friend group in writer/director Peter Sylianou’s film, The Nice Ones.

It’s easy to see why. None of Kate’s friends are very sensitive to her recent plight. They talk behind her back, share the viral video of her breakdown, and are downright obnoxious. Though I do have to give props to newcomer Jade (Daniela Norman) for calling out the inappropriateness of Kate dating her former therapist.

We don’t have to squirm long with Kate accepting her “friends’” bad behavior, as she is soon certain her closest friend Shelly (Ayvianna Snow) isn’t herself. Boyfriend Dale (Emrhys Cooper) is quick to name Kate’s psychosis, trying to reassure the group that they just need to be patient with her.

It might seem obvious where this is going, but Sylianou isn’t interested in questioning Kate’s sanity. Instead, other characters quickly cotton to the fact that Kate might be on to something.

Unfortunately, throughout the film, the stakes are low. Not only do we never get to know Kate, but it’s impossible to sympathize with most of her friends, so whether they are themselves or not never feels like that big of a deal. Dale spends most of his time gaslighting everyone, so even he becomes expendable in the viewer’s mind.

The film tries to tackle several issues—relationship dynamics, mental health, etc.—but it never settles on any kind of broader commentary. If there is a larger allegory buried in the film’s plot, it’s hard to tease out.

With unlikable characters and little to say, The Nice Ones doesn’t have much going for it.

New In Theaters

Amused to Death

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Digger

by George Wolf

Don’t listen to me about Digger.

Don’t listen to anyone about Digger. I’d say the odds are 50/50 that you’ll love it or hate it. But if you appreciate a positive ratio of sheer ideas per moviegoing minute, you’ll be hard pressed to beat the latest opus from Oscar-winning Mexican auteur Alejandro G. Iñárritu.

Speaking of awards, get used to seeing Tom Cruise in the upcoming nomination lists, and he most definitely earns the acclaim. Call it tour de force, over the top or whatever, but he absolutely commands the screen and this satirical epic as Digger Rockwell, a my-way-or-the-highway oil tycoon whose company has caused an environmental disaster that threatens life as we know it.

Can Digger dig us all out? And can director/co-writer Iñárritu climb out of the narrative hole he digs in the early going?

For my money, yes.

His impressive resume (including The Revenant, Birdman, Bardo, and Babel) is stacked with impeccable craftmansmanship, ambitious framing, boundary pushing visuals and increasing self-indulgence. You’ll find it all in Digger, and per usual, subtlety is not in the toolbox.

If you thought Don’t Look Up was too direct, buckle up. This message, and this coal black humor, is obvious and repetitive, layered through extreme POVs and garish sets that underscore Digger’s promise of damage control through performative storytelling. And just when the bombast threatens to bring the entire film down, Iñárritu makes a shocking pivot that is sure to make Digger one of the most divisive films in recent memory.

I’m not spoiling it, and shame on anyone that does.

Even with Cruise dominating the film, the incredibly stacked supporting cast carves out a steady stream of interesting and often larger-than-life characters. From John Goodman, Riz Ahmed, Sandra Hüller to Michael Stuhlbarg, Jesse Plemons and even a Burn Gorman sighting, there is excellence evident on nearly every corner of the screen.

And by the way, choose that screen wisely. Iñárritu shot this in VistaVision, so unless you want the pillarbox view, avoid the standard widescreens.

But if you appreciate the movie theater experience, do not avoid Digger. And don’t leave halfway through, even if you’re tempted. You’ve got to see this through — including a few minutes into the credits — before you can really start mulling over what you’ve seen.

Hell, a year from now I may wish I’d given this five stars, or two. But right now, I’m glad it’s given me this much to think about.

Outtakes

Villain Diaries: Jason Voorhees

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Hi, Mom.

I know I said I didn’t want to go to camp this year. I said nobody ever talks to me. Nobody ever asks me to swim or hike, or play truth or dare, or arm wrestle. Nobody offers me an enchilada. I said I didn’t like it. I said it was boring, but what I really meant was that it was lonely. I didn’t want to have to spend the whole summer—again!—with no friends. I said nobody likes me here. I said I would miss you.

But you said, “Jason, they’re just as scared of you as you are of them! They can’t like you if they don’t know you, so just march right up to them and show them who you are. Show them what you’re made of. You might even see what they’re made of.”

You were right, Mom. As always! I love it here. I am having the best summer, just like you said I would. Thanks for always having my back. I still miss you, though! 

Jason

*by Hope Madden. Video in partnership with Mills James Productions. Voiceover by Dave Man Bjorklund. Art by Michael Anthony Carroll.

Disclaimer: Villain Diaries is a non-commercial work of fan fiction and parody. All characters, names, and elements from the film belong to their respective copyright and trademark holders. I don’t own them and I’m not affiliated with, endorsed by, or sponsored by the creators, studios, or rights holders. This piece is an original creative commentary inspired by their work. It is shared for free, for entertainment and critical purposes, and earns me no money. If you’re a rights holder and have concerns, please contact me at maddwolf95@gmail.com and I’ll respond promptly.

Hope Madden and George Wolf … get it?